6. QUATERMASS AND THE PIT (1958-59)
Black and white, creaky sets, shaky camerawork, rudimentary effects and starchy acting... yet what a classic of early television. You can cut the atmosphere with a knife: the serial boasts an eerieness much superior to subsequent "ghost" stories and its script is brimming with anti-war commentary, not to mention ending with a clever twist on human ancestry and evolution. Merit badges to Andre Morrell, Cec Linder and Anthony Bushell's towering performances, trying to rationalise the events taking place from their own characters' standpoints. The only failing of this epic is the lack of an obvious babe score!

7. UFO (1970)
One of the finest science fiction series ever. Despite performances that could be described as quite rigid and puppet-like at times, the direction, sets and quality of the plots and dialogue more than compensate. The first real attempt at adult science fiction since the Quatermass serials came with episodes such as "The Long Sleep", "Mindbender", "Timelash" and "The Cat with Ten Lives", all intriguing for their convoluted plots and emphasis on the characters rather than special effects showpieces. That said, the special effects and model work of the late Derek Meddings was outstanding, and fully deserves a merit badge. The babe score on this one is obvious... any of the female Moonbase crew!

8. PORRIDGE (1974-1977)
This show rides on the arch quality of the scripted dialogue and the bravura performance of Ronnie Barker, plus the other members of an outstanding supporting cast, including Richard Beckinsale, Fulton Mackay, Peter Vaughan and Brian Wilde. With the amount of potential plots obviously limited by the setting, characterisation was supreme. Porridge, like other comedy series of its era, has stood the test of time brilliantly and never fails to raise a smile on each and every viewing. A merit badge goes to Fulton Mackay's portrayal of Mr. Mackay, whose exaggerated speech patterns and neck twisting created one of the few likeable "fascists" on television: "I am firm but fair. Remember I treat you all with equal contempt". Babe score to a young Patricia Brake as Fletcher's daughter Ingrid.

9. CHILDREN OF THE STONES (1977)
Just how far can you take a "children's" serial to the edge of adult horror/thriller. This is it! Scary, intriguing, intelligent, exciting and impressively acted even by the child leads, the location filiming in Avebury, Wiltshire made for an eerie backdrop that dovetailed perfectly with the studio-bound interiors. In the era of children's programmes such as The Tomorrow People, it is reassuring to remember that at least you could rely on HTV to deliver the tea-time terrors with some style! The star of the serial - and winner of the merit badge - is the script, which must be the most intelligent and adult to ever grace "children's" television before or since.

10. THE X FILES (SERIES 1, 1993-94)
Yes, it had to be in here somewhere. One of the most daring, "unoriginal" series to come out of North America for forty plus years, the chemistry between the two leads shone right from the start. All the variations of plot covered in the series ad infinitum since were at their best in this opening season of episodes... ghosts, UFOs and aliens, mutants, serial killers, voodoo, werewolves, conspiracies and paranoia had never been done quite like this before. Episodes such as "Beyond the Sea", "Squeeze", "Ice", "E.B.E" and "The Erlenmeyer Flask" are amongst the best of television drama, featuring exceptional acting, writing, direction and atmosphere. The X Files always challenged and scared without stepping over the mark into gratuitous violence and gore in its first season. Like all good things, this didn't last and the third season used overblown horror as a sorry prop to shore up a lack of plots! Babe score to Gillian Anderson (who else?) and merit badge to Chris Carter for creating the show.

THE USEFUL ITEM: A clockwork radio to listen to all those Doctor Who and Cadfael radio adaptations, if in range. Perhaps I might even try to turn it into a transmitter to facilitate rescue, but only after watching all those lovely programmes!

THE LUXURY ITEM: The Guinness Book of Classic British TV (2nd ed.) by Paul Cornell, Martin Day and Keith Topping. A worthy tome to remind me of all the television greats I might have missed. Advert over, I hope my cheque's in the bottle floating out to me...

So come on all those out there in Web-land, why not email us your own top ten television programmes, and dazzle us with your witty observations at the same time? The best submissions will be featured on this page.

You know, I knew all those viewings of The Poseidon Adventure would one day come in handy and, spookily enough, I was just humming "The Morning After" when the Good Ship Texan Bar (it was a bit of an ancient ship) went belly up on the Manchester Ship Canal. Luckily, I was able to manage to scale deftly up a stray Christmas tree, shimmy up a missing staircase by using some dental floss and due to being the 1MM swimming champ at middle school, swim five miles underwater and not die of a heart attack moments later. However, seeing as I find myself on a desert island miles away from civilisation (well, I am somewhere in the heathen county that is L*ncashire) and have no chance of finding anyone who will rescue me, let alone someone who knows a decent rugby league team when they see one, I am at a loss and fear the worst until the good spirit of Brian Glover (slumming it on t'other side of the Pennines) says "beware t'Moors" and leads me to a little cove where I find a TV (no Teletext or Nicam but it'll do, I suppose), a video and ten of my favourite television programmes. "Uncharacteristically for a Yorkshireman, I'll put hand in pocket and fork out for a luxury item for you" sayeth the Bard of Barnsley. Then, with a whiff of Yorkshire Pudding and Tetley Bitter, off he pops leaving me all alone in this strange, alien and not very nice little land at the wrong side of the Pennines. "Enjoy the vids" he cries. So, what's in the selection then?

1. TENKO (1981-1985)
No expense spent BBC drama serial that had a nation hooked in the early/mid eighties. Superb acting, especially from Stephanie Cole as the myopic Dr Bea, Stephanie Beacham decidedly un-glam as Rose and Ann Bell as camp leader Marion Jefferson. So what if the camp looked very much like a studio with a couple of props and a bit of dirt thrown on the ground, it was gripping stuff. One of the most requested repeats of all time (yes, up there with Poldark!), I personally think it's an absolute disgrace that the BBC have only just got round to releasing it on video.

2. CAGNEY AND LACEY (1981-88)
Exhilarating, touching, moving, witty, sharp, topical - and that was just the graffiti on the washroom wall. Cagney and Lacey is surely the greatest American import we have ever had the pleasure to get over here. Superlatives cannot describe how incredible Tyne Daly and Sharon Gless were as New York's finest - perhaps the numerous Emmys they received does. One of the only programmes ever to have me in tears; during a particularly gripping moment, I was more worried about whether Mary Beth would fall off a building than receiving my GCSE results the next day. Taping the whole lot (all 125 of 'em) is testament to my devotion, especially considering the BBC scheduling of the repeats (yearly gaps, not in order, time changes). The most wonderful and incredible programme of all time.

3. CORONATION STREET (1960-ongoing)
By far the programme I have been watching for the longest (knocking on twenty years) and I still try not to miss an episode. Favourite moments include when a lorry ploughed into the Rovers and Tracy subsequently went missing (why couldn't they have killed her off then and let us be spared of her sulking in her bedroom for five years at a time?), the Ken/Dreary/Mike lurve triangle which was gripping and the untimely death of the evil Alan Bradley by a five mile an hour Blackpool tram (I've stayed in the same hotel as Alan and Rita in Blackpool incidently. Gosh!). My favourite character at the moment is Alma - dig the black eyeshadow - but does Maureen's shop stock enough milk for her to bathe in it every day?

4. BOD (mid 70s-early 80s)
Stop yawning at the back! Yes, I am the resident Internet Bod bore and so it shouldn't come as any surprise to find this stunningly animated kiddie prog of the seventies somewhere on my list. God knows why I like (and liked) it so much. Perhaps it was the sexiness of Frank The Postman, the cuteness of Bod himself, the excitement of Bod snap (PC Copper and Aunt Flo - that's not snap!) or the ennui felt when the cats guessed Alberto Frog's milkshake would be "straaaaaawberry" yet a-bloody-gain and, quelle surprise, were right. Testament to the fabulousness of this, err, fabulous programme is that, without fail, it will turn up on a Usenet discussion with alarming regularity (see also The Adventure Game, The Red Hand Gang and Monkey). They don't make 'em like they used to. Sigh.

5. VICTORIA WOOD - AS SEEN ON TV (1985-87)
Actually, absolutely ANYTHING to do with Victoria Wood (especially "Over To Pam" from the Victoria Wood series of 1989) will do but VWASOT mainly due to the inclusion of the greatest soap opera of all time - the sheer genius that is Acorn Antiques. Noele Gordon no doubt turns in her grave every time Mrs Overall (played wonderfully by Julie Walters, whom I always prefer as an old bag) forgets trays, bangs into ironing boards or chokes to death on macroons after declaring "cove.... err, LOVE" to Miss Babs, Miss Berta and Acorn Antiques. Utter genius - why hasn't she received an Honour yet?

6. ROCK FOLLIES (1976-77)
Oddly enough, it seems that the world isn't quite ready for a Little Ladies revival just yet so Rock Follies is deemed to sit on the Thames Television shelf for a little while longer. Shame, those leather jackets and Little Ladies t-shirts were such a hit. Fabulously camp drama that was very ahead of its time ran for two series, the first in 1976, the second (imaginatively titled Rock Follies Of '77) in, yup, 1977. The ups and downs and then a bit further downs of life chasing the rock 'n' roll dream, Rock Follies makes the climb to stardom in The Rose and Breaking Glass look a breeze in comparison. The Little Ladies were arguably a kind of Spice Girls for the seventies - Angry Young Rock Chick Spice who could actually really belt out a song (Dee, played by Julie Covington, shortly to become immortal for inflicting Don't Cry For Me Argentina on an unsuspecting Top 30), Julie Andrews Spice (Anna, played by Charlotte Cornwell, who did her best to sing, honest) and Camp Spice (Q, played non too seriously and tongue firmly in cheek by Rula Lenska, who most definitely could NOT sing). You know it's all going horribly wrong when they resort to a WAAF look right in the middle of the disco phenomena. Rock Follies Of '77 is an even sorrier tale - just when you thought things couldn't get any worse...there's always a deeper hole to fall into. The songs still sound good however twenty years on :-). One of the most sought after classics of the era.

7. THE GOOD LIFE (1975-78)
My favourite sitcom of all time with arguably one of the greatest comic creations ever in Margo Leadbetter. The scene where she falls in the mud is one of those classic television moments that you never tire of. Penelope Keith's finest hour, as it is Richard Briers', Felicity Kendal's and Paul Eddington's also. A nice, cosy, middle class sitcom made in a time when nice, cosy, middle class sitcoms were funny (well, apart from the horrid Keep It In The Family anyway). Wonderful, timeless and doesn't get repeated often enough.

8. MONKEY (1979-1981)
Though I wasn't born from an egg on a mountain top, I too can sympathise with Monkey and his cohorts Pigsy, Sandy and Bod-a-like Tripitaka on their quest to find Gondorra; enduring all sorts of misfortunes on the way, including plagues of locusts, a new and not-as-good Pigsy and a crappy Dragon horse thing. Odd dubbed Japanese programme that first got an airing on BBC2 after the Harold Lloyd shorts in 1981 and soon became a cult classic. The sadder twenty-somethings amongst us (yes, me for a start) still pull an imaginary hair from behind an ear, wave it above our heads and "whoosh whoosh" , up springs a handy stick to enter combat with. However, seeing as the people who do this still spin around singing "Wonder Woman" (yes, me again) it's best just to look pityingly at them...

9. PRISONER: CELL BLOCK H (1978-1986)
I suppose there has to be one Australian soap in this list so this is it. Forget what legend says about wobbly walls (hey, the Brookside walls wobble and they're real), Prisoner: Cell Block H was truly gripping, exciting and enthralling. It didn't quite convince me that life in an Australian prison was the thing for me (much in the same way that Tenko didn't make me long to be a Japanese POW) but the stories were sooo exciting and often edge of chair stuff. The Wentworth fire was a particularly stunning moment and extremely well done - it put Backdraft to shame - and was almost always well acted. Went a bit downhill in the last year as all the old characters left and new ones were introduced too quickly, along with "seen it all before" storylines, but the episodes up to 600 are to cherish. Favourite characters are probably Meg (more disasters happened to her than Jill Rossington), Vera "Vinegar Tits" Bennett (catchphrase: "Animals!") and, of course, Bea Smith. Great theme tune too!

10. GRANGE HILL (1978-ongoing)
Though the classic era for me will always be the Tucker, Trisha and Cathy years, Grange Hill continues to be the one children's programme worth watching even now. They seemed so grown up to a five year old and yet I also wondered why no one I knew was as cool as Tucker or Trisha. However, perhaps Grange Hill comp should get a visit from the School Inspectors on education standards or at least get a decent Careers advisor seeing as even the brightest pupils end up working on a stall in Walford... Essential viewing even after nineteen (eek!) years.

[Bubbling under: Charlie's Angels, The Magic Roundabout, Fame (yes!), EastEnders, Kate And Allie, Lost in Space, Rhoda, Absolutely Fabulous, Mother Love].

That selection should keep me busy for a while, at least a couple of years anyway, by which time the Little Ladies may have reformed. Until that time I shall get all excited about the useful and luxury items I have found lying under a soggy bit of the M*nchester Evening News.

THE USEFUL ITEM: A rather swish and fabulous cassette recorder (what do they call them these days?), with all the essentials such as radio and CD player. It is rain powered rather than solar powered so it will never, ever fail on me.

THE LUXURY ITEM: Can I have my complete record collection please? No, oh... Well, I if I'm allowed just three bands to own records by (it's so much easier this way :-) ) I delve into my collection and pick out all my Blondie, Abba and Duran Duran records.

However, a lifetime without ever seeing Grease, The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Smashing Time again is too much to bear so I make a pact with The Dark One (a arrogant Scottish bloke wearing an Umbro jacket who chews gum all the time, that is when he's not moaning and whingeing of course. Goes by the name of Ferguson apparently) and he'll grant me these three films if I sacrifice the next person who walks along. A rather unintelligent fellow with a Milton Keynes accent wearing a nasty Red (or is it blue, or green, or black, or ...) shirt luckily trots by so I sing "Marching On Together" until he admits defeat and, lo!, I have my wish granted. [OK, so I'm now cheating...]

• Gillian Hardy maintains the Web site devoted to Bod.

Rob Moss
Kaleidoscope

1. THE BOX OF DELIGHTS (BBC, 1984)
The BBC has always done period drama very well indeed, and the same can be said of their children's serials, so when they make a children's period drama serial, the chances are that it will be good. This is no exception. The acting is superb, even from the younger members of the cast; the direction is faultless, and even though the effects are beginning to look a little dated, it is still obvious that this was groundbreaking in its day. Top marks to all involved.

2. THE TOMORROW PEOPLE (Thames, 1973-79)
Like so many twenty-somethings, The Tomorrow People was a memorable part of my childhood, and even now, the eerie theme music and the unclenching hand send a shiver down my spine. Although it isn't very fashionable to like TTP, I can still look through the wobbly sets, cheap effects and bad acting, and still find most of the stories highly enjoyable. Mind you, I still don't know why there is a sliced pepper in the opening credits.

3. BLACKADDER (BBC, 1983-89)
My main reason for choosing Blackadder is so that I could take the final series, Blackadder Goes Forth. This series, set in the trenches of France during the First World War, manages to convey the futility and tragedy of that period while still being enormously funny. The closing sequence where our heroes go over the top to their certain deaths is probably one of the unfunniest moments ever to feature in a comedy series, but at the same time, it also manages to be one of the best.

4. QUATERMASS (BBC, 1953-59)
The original and best sci-fi series. As I am a child of the seventies, it is perhaps slightly harder for me to appreciate the impact that Quatermass had on the British population of the 1950s, but I think it is an indication of the strength of the programme that when Quatermass and the Pit was released on video in the eighties, I sat through the entire three hours in one go, and was utterly transfixed throughout.

5. TISWAS (ATV, 1974-81)
This is what Saturdays were made for. Ah yes, how well I remember it. Staggering out of bed on a Saturday morning to watch a studio full of grown adults (allegedly), being paid to throw custard pies and buckets of water at each other, and generally behave in a way that we, the kids watching at home couldn't possibly hope to get away with. This was dangerous television, and quite apart from that, it was hilarious.

6. DOCTOR WHO (BBC, 1963-89)
As Philip Larkin wrote, sexual intercourse began in 1963. Well, far more significantly for most of its fans, so did Doctor Who, the BBC's longest running science-fiction series.

7. TOP OF THE POPS (BBC, 1964-present)
The flagship television music show. Without music on my desert island, I would go insane, so TOTP is an obvious choice for me to take. A mirror reflecting over thirty years of music, fashion and hairstyles, Top of the Pops is also the sociologist's dream.

8. THE GOODIES (BBC/LWT, 1970-82)
One of my earliest television memories is of Graeme Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Bill Oddie in "The Goodies and the Beanstalk", in particular a scene where they are in a quarry and turn off the echo. As a small boy, this was one of the funniest things ever, and it still makes me chuckle today. Since I recently saw virtually a complete run of episodes however, I began to realise that it got even better than that. High time this series got a decent terrestrial re-run I think.

9. PIPKINS (ATV, 1973-81)
Anyone who has been to The Main Event in recent times will probably have seen at least one episode of Pipkins. Before this year's Main Event, I hadn't seen Pipkins for some sixteen years, and having had the chance to reassess it, I've enjoyed the antics of Hartley Hare, Pig, Topov, Johnny and drummer extraordinaire, Tortoise, even more than I did all those years ago. Up until very recently, only three episodes of Pipkins were known to exist. Now, the total stands at over forty, and if I was to be stuck on a desert island, I'd want every man jack one of them!

10. TENKO (BBC, 1981-84)
Tenko is one of those shows that I was too young to be allowed to stay up and watch when it was first shown, so it wasn't until UK Gold showed it again in 1992 that I actually got round to seeing it. When I did get to see it, I was totally hooked. It is always a shock when a show's lead characters are killed, and the producers of this drama about a group of women held in a Japanese POW camp during World War II were certainly not afraid to do that. I was firmly on the edge of my seat from beginning to end, except for a few occasions when I was so aghast that I actually fell off it.

THE LUXURY ITEM: I think maybe a working telephone. Actually, no. A computer with built in modem that would allow me to communicate with my friends and family. Sorry, that sounds a bit sad, but if I was stranded on a desert island, I couldn't stand not being able to keep up with everything that was going on. Plus of course I'd be able to check the Kaleidoscope web site regularly (plug, plug).

THE ESSENTIAL ITEM: Well, apart from the video machine, television and electricity generator? I think a toothbrush and lifetime's supply of toothpaste. Well, one does have to have standards, you know.

Ian Riley

Oh no! I've been stranded on a desert island, with ten of my favourite TV shows and nothing to do all day but loaf about drinking beer, eating heavily salted snack treats and watching the telly! How can I leave this hell and return to my soul destroying life of work? Hang on a minute... before I leave, I think I will watch:-

THE SIMPSONS
"You're giving in to mob mentality.
No I'm not, I'm jumping on the bandwagon."

The best sitcom to ever come out of America, better even than All In The Family. To the uninitiated, this is a kiddies show about Bart Simpson, the naughtiest kid in the world. How wrong can you be? The star of the show, Homer Simpson, is the face of American consumerism that US media refuses to recognise. A thorough WASP, Homer is idle, selfish, greedy and has no willpower. TV's thoughts are his thoughts, junk food is his food and Duff beer is his beer. Homer loves his wife and his family, but his half-assed parenting is nearly as bad as his whole-assed parenting.

Using Homer as the main protagonist, this cartoon series takes side swipes at all angles of American, and international, culture. With a cast of well over sixty characters, all of whom get to star in at least one episode, this show would be impossible to film with a live cast. Using the flexibility of the media, the show's creators can travel back and forth in time, without the use of unconvincing latex masks to show ageing, or child actors who look nothing like the adult character. We have seen Homer as an old man, buying Soylent Green in the cinema foyer. We have seen young Homer listening to music as man took his first step on the Moon. And we have seen Homer meet Marge, and seen Marge through all three pregnancies and births.

No other show could have had a guest cast of so many celebrities, without them outshining the main characters. But here, we have had Bob Hope, Elizabeth Taylor, Aerosmith, Michael Jackson, Patrick Stewart et al, in a supporting role to the true American dolt. Also, no live action show could be so quick fire in its comedy, so subtle in its film-parodies (at least one in every show), so remorseless in its display of bare butts and so productive in its use of the cast (what better value than to have one person play at least ten characters?).

There is something here for everyone. Romantics will watch "I Love Lisa" with a tear in their eye, whilst the sci-fi fans will thrill to the sight of a robot with Homer's brain smashing down walls to get to the donuts. Homer and Bart stumbling into the mythical "third dimension", remains one of the most memorable sights of the series. The finale, with a computer-digitised Homer falling into a trash can in Los Angeles, and darting into an erotic cake shop, watched by startled real-life human beings, remains the most spectacular moment of the show. I could not live without this series - all of human life is here.

Wow, I never knew that sitting through over 160 cartoons would be so exhausting! I think I will have a wander around my island, maybe take a leak in that freshwater spring over there, before I settle down to watch...

DOCTOR WHO
"What, me? I'm allowed everywhere."

Well, most of you are, Doctors. I think I will put these seventh and eighth Doctor tapes to one side to throw at the monkeys, and settle down to watch my favourite science fiction show of all time. Predictable I know, but it is my island!

What can I say about Doctor Who that has not already been said? Perhaps I can refute a few popular misconceptions. Here I am watching the first episode of "The Web Of Fear", and there is not a wobbly cardboard set in sight. "The Evil Of The Daleks" has no rubber monsters, and "Image Of The Fendahl" is truly terrifying. Sure, some stories might have been made on a tight budget, but Dad's Army, Upstairs, Downstairs and yes, even Coronation Street have had less than convincing sets and fake outdoors scenes, but no-one laughs at them (well, maybe Dad's Army, but only in the right places).

My Doctor Who marathon has tired me out. What shall I watch next? A comedy? A drama? Why not have both with...

STEPTOE AND SON
"All my life it's been the same. You've always held me back."

Arguably the best British sitcom ever. This show had many recurring themes (e.g. Harold wants to go on holiday by himself, Albert won't let him), but never ran out of steam. The humour, usually dark, quite often crossed the fine line into pathos, but the relationship between the two lead characters was always compelling viewing. Harold, and the viewer, could see quite clearly that his father was a cunning, devious weasel who was a millstone round his son's neck but reliant for him on his survival. What Harold did not realise was that he was not sophisticated, not cultured and not destined for greater things. He was a core-blimey rag-and-boneman, and he was the one who would have a lonely old age. Compelling viewing, with not a single poor episode.

Steptoe and Son is a great series, but there are not that many episodes. I think I should have a real value-for-money package on my island, something that will keep me going for an very long time (besides the beer). I think I will have...

STAR TREK

All of it. The whole lot. Even the cartoons.

This one can run and run. It has everything... science fiction, comedy and an awful lot of soap opera. After a while it overwhelms you. You start to think that they carry on making it because they don't know how to stop. I can sit through the worst of this show because it is so comfortable, the cast so familiar, that I fall into a kind of trance. And some of the effects are quite good as well.

Back to a comedy now, I think. Time for...

MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE
"I told him you were a poof!"

This is how an ITV sitcom should be, with cracking birds and a cheap laugh. Most sitcoms that start off well deteriorate after a couple of seasons. Others take this long to get into the swing of things. Not Man About The House. This programme started on a high and stayed there. Who out of the viewers (except the birds) did not want to get into Chrissy's knickers themselves? Who could not laugh at Jo because she was so thick, bubbly, and blonde? And the supporting characters... Larry, with his procession of rough dogs, Mildred with her entendres that were not even double, and George with his "mouse not man" approach to life. The final injustice of Chrissy marrying Robin's brother made everyone feel his anguish. Never mind... in real life he was giving Jo one, so he was happy.

Even the little things in the show made an impression on me. I want an apron with tits and a poster of a naked women with a zip down her front.

Ahh, childhood memories. Even the children's programmes were better in those days. Especially shows like...

PIPKINS

A brilliant concept. Instead of having a toy hare as the main character, they just got a dead hare and moved it around on sticks. This programme pulled no punches. When one of the presenters died, the excuse for him leaving the show was that "he's died". No namby-pamby kiddie excuses here. To think that some kids used to have school dinners and missed this show. No wonder they grew up well-adjusted.

I am on a roll with households of psychotic maniacs, so when Pipkins is over I watch...

THE YOUNG ONES
"You know it makes my bottom runny."

This was from the era when alternative comedy meant alternative, when Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson seemed fresh and Christopher Ryan had a career. The chaotic lifestyle of the four students and their landlord was a direct contrast to the nicey niceness of The Good Life and Terry and June. The mere twelve episodes can be watched over and over again without seeming stale or tired. Anarchic comedy at its origin, and its peak.

But it is not just anarchy that is funny. Even the formulaic can be hilarious, as proved by

ARE YOU BEING SERVED
"I've been up all night with my pussy."

This can be seen as the most traditional British humour. It had a saucy postcard flavour, a music hall ending to most of the episodes as they did their dance, and the obligatory camp comedian. Mr Humphries was the archetypal "poof", outrageous but non-threatening. Miss Brahms started out as the dishy bird of the show (it was not her fault it lasted so long and she did not). Captain Peacock's quest for totty, combined with his lofty manner, provided the authority figure who could be ribbed mercilessly, and Mrs Slocombe's pussy was a joy to us all. When the show returned in the guise of Grace and Favour, it had a pantomime style that was hysterical. I shall have that on my island at no further cost, and I am unanimous in that, Mr Rumbold.

OUT OF THE UNKNOWN
"And she, luckier than I, died when the white worms pierced her throat."

A charming moment from a wonderful anthology series. The notion of a series of science fiction plays, adapted from famous stories, was not a new one but this show was the ultimate expression of the idea. As proper science fiction should, it concentrated not only on the development of science but how it affected the people who lived with it. We saw technology gone mad, consumerism gone mad and Anthony Ainley gone mad. We had out of body experiences, out of mind experiences and out of this ether experiences. The plays worked as well as they did because they were made by a production team with commitment and belief in their work. The shows that survive are an important piece of television history.

Another piece of television history is...

DAD'S ARMY
"Well done, Jones. I was wondering who would spot that one first."

Another, and perhaps the best, ensemble comedy. This show has been so popular, and is so well known, that it still gains huge ratings on a Saturday night. It is cosy, comfortable and yet reveals a lot about the British character. Mainwaring revels in his role as a leader of men, and although he is a patriot and believes in his cause, he also enjoys what he does and will obviously be at a loss with himself when the war is over. The fact that he is leader because his men let him will never occur to him. This is safe gentle humour as it should be, with no rolling down hills involved.

As the credits roll on the final show, and the platoon's antics come to an end, I realise that tradition allows me a few final choices. I am allowed:-

AN ESSENTIAL ITEM

Which would have to be a mysterious crate washed up on the beach. When I open it, lo and behold, all the missing episodes of Doctor Who and Out Of The Unknown. What a coincidence! And I also get:-

A LUXURY ITEM

Which would have to be enough food to survive on. But I can live without it, as long as my Duff beer and pork rinds last out.

Kaleidoscope - The Classic Television Organisation

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